Someone

So basically um I am someone who feels very uncomfortable right now because there are things in my ears I do not want to hear and it is creating a lot of pressure I feel pressure to move pressure to go pressure to do something and I just want someone to tell me where to go I need someone to guide me because I do not know who I am I feel like I am multiple people and I cannot figure out which one is really me I feel like I need to be a man but I cannot be my own man so I try to model myself after other people talk like them think like them believe like them because I feel like I need that structure and I feel overwhelmed by the constant questions in my own head and I just want an answer so I do not feel so exhausted all the time even though it may sound like I understand what is going on I really do not I feel empty inside and almost worthless like something people would throw away but do not even care enough to do that and it makes me feel like nobody really cares I keep repeating myself because I do not feel heard and I feel like I need something I need to be someone else I keep searching for identity through other people especially men thinking if I copy them I will finally feel stable and sleep better at night but every time I think I found the right one I second guess it and feel uncomfortable again like I have too many sides to just be one person so then I try to be multiple people at once hoping that will finally make me feel at peace but it does not I still feel unsettled I struggle with how I see myself and how others see me and it makes it hard to talk about my feelings because I feel like I cannot be comfortable being myself I feel like I have to become someone else to even express anything and even when I try to explain all of this it feels confusing and incomplete like parts of me are hidden or out of control I feel like I have to control everything because if I do not something will take over and I will lose myself completely and that thought creates even more pressure and confusion so I end up blaming myself or others because I cannot understand why I feel this way and it becomes a cycle where I feel overwhelmed shut down and then start all over again sometimes even multiple times in one day and it feels like this is the only way I know how to exist I want to be one person but every time I try I end up feeling like several different people and even though it sometimes makes me happy when people see me the way I want to be seen it also scares me because it feels too simple and not fully true and explaining all of this feels nearly impossible without feeling misunderstood or exposed and at the same time I worry that if people do understand me they will somehow take control away from me which is something I deeply fear and after all of that it just turns into noise confusion and scattered thoughts without any clear direction purpose or identity just a constant stream of intense emotions without resolution like I am stuck in a loop of trying to figure myself out but never actually getting there